Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
